Why is Delilah Still on the Air?

No, seriously. All I want for Christmas is for Delilah to retire. For too many years now she's been sullying my Christmas spirit and ruining my nights just about every day of the week any time of year (best of the week on Sundays? Really?)

I mean, can any of us remember a time when she wasn't droning on about "religion," (hers), "love" (hers), "family" and "family values" (hers), talking up a storm and thinking she was more important than the insipid pop hit from seven years ago she was about to play?

For a woman with her history (which I won't go into. Unlike Delilah, I have boundaries of personal space and a working what-is-appropriate meter), she sure preaches a lot, doesn't she? You'd think she was the Baby Jesus himself, sent down to save all these lost callers from their bad relationships with her ill-fitting advice and contradictory moral code.

And even on the rare occasion that she is right (or even remotely close to right) I still cannot stomach her tone. Starting with what she considers her 'dulcet radio voice' meant to calm and engage listeners (does anyone sound like that? Really? Her speaking voice's overdone quality is comparable to Celine Dion's singing voice. Both, I'm sure are lovely when normal. When infused with this showmanship? They're grating to the ear. At least for me.)

But it goes so much deeper than that. She prattles on at people incessantly. When her poor callers get on air, she'll put a conspiratorial lilt in her her voice, like, "it's just you and me, talking like close girl friends here."

First of all, no it's not. You and her and a million other listeners who have the misfortune of not switching over to satellite radio yet.

And more importantly, you're not that caller's buddy. Stop taking liberties and acting like you've known them for years and if you could only glean that last bit of confession from them, you'll have the answer they're seeking. You never do. And most of the time, the pieces they've left out of the story are extremely personal and they chose to leave them out for a reason. You put them on the spot and all they wanted you to do was to play them a damn song so they could cry a little.

I mean, yes, they open themselves up to that by calling in the first place, but must you be so fake about it? I'm hard-pressed to think of another host of a call-in show who is more embarrassing than his or her callers. But, Delilah, I blush for you all the time. I cringe because the less astute callers will open up, but I can hear the reluctance in their voices, and I know I'm listening to something I shouldn't be privy to. And then, instead of letting them unburden themselves in peace, you stroll all over their pain, normally in combat boots. What is your problem?

Either it's the fakey-fake soothing mother voice where you coddle them, turning them into infants, or it's the "tough love" bootstraps voice, commanding them to make a change. As if you know something. As if you know anything about that person's real story or have any real-world experience to back you up. I just can't stand it.

I'm just letting you know, Delilah, that I'm only here for the Christmas Carols. And since I don't have satellite radio or an MP3 player, well, I guess I'm just going to invest in some CDs for the season. I'd rather hear the same eight songs over and over than have to wade through your sordid advice with the promise of catching an old gem of a song I'd forgotten about...only to have it be I'll Be Home for Christmas, again.

I know it's the holidays and I should be a little more forgiving. I'm sure she has done a lot of good for people. I'm sure she's an excellent human being. I'm just sick of hearing about it...from her.