Dear Overzealous Room Parent

Now, before I get into the nitty gritty of this, would like to state emphatically that I mean this woman no ill-will, I don't think she's a horrible person, I don't think room parents in general is a bad idea, etc. etc. I'm just annoyed. That's all.

Also, keep in mind, I am like the anti-room parent, to be honest. I practice a kindergarten isolationism, not necessarily on purpose, more because I have a life, and that life has nothing to do with interacting with people who won't like me, just because they happen to have also given birth in 2008 and live in the vicinity. We're busy.

Because of this whole, 'bring the kids to school, kiss them goodbye, go home and live my own life, pick the kids up from school, give them a kiss hello, go home and live my own life' schedule, I don't know any of these people. I know a few of my girls' friends parents, because they are important to us. But I couldn't tell you what the room parents look like, or who their kids are, or anything about anyone at all. If I did, I'm sure I would tell you that they are lovely human beings with the best intentions at heart. Actually, I can say that anyway. I'm sure they only mean the very best. Still annoyed.

Not knowing who they are makes it easier for me to dissect a few emails I've gotten by way of Teacher Appreciation week, which is going to be next week.

On Monday, I received this pleasure-bomb in my inbox:

Hello everyone! For those of you who have sent in your donations, thank you! For those of you who haven't, please have your donations in by Thursday (min of 3 dollars). 

On Friday I will be decorating our classroom dope with superheroes. I would like every child to color a picture of their favorite super hero. Please send these to me (you can fold them neatly in an envelope of just put a sticky on that says room parent). I will be cutting out the colorings and glueing then on a poster board. I think this will be more personal :). 

Also, Monday the kids will need to bring in a flower for their teacher to put in a vase when they get to school. 

One last thing, I also would like to send cards made by the kids to mrs _______. Please have your cards send to me no later than Friday. 

Let me know if you have any questions. Thank you! 

OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT

First of all, I can't even with the tone of the whole thing. Something about it just sets me on edge and makes me NOT WANT to do any of the things she's asking? demanding? we all do. Kind of like 'you're not the boss of me' with a little 'lol at you' on the side. I don't know. That's probably not fair of me, but there it is.

Let's go over a few of the details, though.

"For those of you who have sent in your donations, thank you! For those of you who havien't, please have your donations in by Thursday (min of 3 dollars)."

Since when can you put a minimum on a donation? Answer: You cannot. A donation is a gift and you don't get to tell people how much they have to give. I mean, technically the minimum is zero because people don't have to donate. If this is a requirement, then you are looking for a different word.

"On Friday I will be decorating our classroom dope with superheroes."

LOL, what? Do I really want someone who can't be bothered to proofread an email doing what is clearly the most important job in kindergarten? (Also, is it wrong of me to worry that my child is going to come home one day plastered in superheroes? JUST KIDDING, SHE'S BRILLIANT, FYI.)

"Please send these to me (you can fold them neatly in an envelope of just put a sticky on that says room parent). I will be cutting out the colorings and glueing then on a poster board. I think this will be more personal :)."

Couple of things. 1) Did you really have to tell us to fold them neatly? I mean, I was totally going to have my kid color her heart out, then crumple that shit into a ball and toss it in the bottom of her backpack. Maybe spill a little applesauce on it for good measure...

2) I have absolutely no idea how you cutting them out and glueing them on poster board will make this more personal. It's only going to make it harder for the teacher to fit it in the garbage can when appreciation week is over. But I'm sure your cutting job will be perfection and right on the lines, so at least there's that.

3) You meant or. Not of. Maybe those cuttings won't be right on the line after all, eh? But that's okay! We are in kindergarten and things don't need to be perfect. ... Actually maybe you don't mean or. Do you mean and? What is happening.

"Also, Monday the kids will need to bring in a flower for their teacher to put in a vase when they get to school."

Okay, first of all, no they don't. The kids don't need to do anything. You're not my mom. Secondly, luckily I have a vase of fresh cut flowers in my home all the time (because I am an AWESOME PINTEREST MOM, FOR REAL). But if I didn't? I would TOTALLY allow my child to pick some random weed flower from a field and call it a day.

"One last thing, I also would like to send cards made by the kids to mrs _______. Please have your cards send to me no later than Friday."

So, let me get this straight, in addition to their homework, this week we also need to draw and color superheroes, fold them neatly and get them to school, bring in $3 and magically figure out who you are to give it to you, pick a freaking flower and have that thing not die before the teacher gets it, and make a homemade card.

No problem. I actually wasn't even doing anything this week, anyway. Because with five year olds, you know that NONE of this shit is going to take less than two hours a piece.

Even still, I was going to do this (I'm still going to do it, but with less enthusiasm). I have it on my to-do list today and everything.

Then this morning, at 6:30 a.m. I get this gem in my inbox:

Hi everyone. I'm still missing donations. We only have 30 dollars so far. It will be very difficult for me to do everything I'm requires to with only 30 dollars. Please send in your donations they are due by Friday. 

In addition, I have not received any superhero colorings from the kids or hand made cards for mrs __________. I have to decorate the classroom door Friday at 1:45 so I need everyone's colorings no later than Thursday. 

Let me know of you have any questions. 

Thanks! OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT

So many issues, here. First of all, this was sent on Wednesday at ass in the morning, when in the previous email the deadlines were clearly stated, and none of them were Wednesday at ass in the morning. We are grown ups, lady. We can handle our business, and know what deadlines mean. Thanks.

Secondly, I mean just look at this. I laughed.

"I'm still missing donations." The only way to miss donations, as was pointed out on my Facebook earlier, is if they are stolen or lost once you've received them. People are not required to donate, therefore, you are not missing their non-requirement.

"We only have 30 dollars so far."

Okay, this is my surprised face that you even have more than zero dollars so far because it is hardly even Wednesday when you sent this and the donations aren't "due" until Friday. So, clearly, many many many parents have their shit together way better than me. 

"It will be very difficult for me to do everything I'm requires to with only 30 dollars. Please send in your donations they are due by Friday."

What in God's name are you "requires" to do with this money? I need to know this. What could you possibly be required to do with money parents donated for their kids' teacher other than buy her a gift with that money? And if that's the requirement, then surely you can find something rad (like wine) to give her for $30. Moot point because you're going to get more money anyway, and PS, you didn't have to bully us into it. It's coming, hold your gift-horses.

"In addition, I have not received any superhero colorings from the kids or hand made cards for mrs __________."

This just made me lol. Of course you didn't. COME ON. Something about the tone of this, I can't.

"Let me know of you have any questions."

I just have one question. Who made you the boss of me, though?

Actually, I have another one. What about the families who are struggling and can't donate right now? Or those horribly shitty parents who, you know, work, and therefore haven't had time to address your bullshit yet? Can't we be a little more sensitive to different people's situations? Can't we ask people for their time and effort and money instead of acting entitled to it and then peeved when it doesn't come three days before it's "due"? Just wondering.

Now, lest you think I'm just a jerk (which, sustained, I know I am). I have twins. And my other twin also has a room parent. And she's looking for the same things. And she has managed to alert me to this TWICE just like the first one up there. And she hasn't annoyed me once.

First thing she did right was send the first note home with the kids. So, I'm already in school mode when I'm looking at it.

Second, her follow-up email looked like this:

Good Evening Fellow Miss ________ Class Parents! 

I just wanted to give you the SUPER HERO update for our super teacher appreciation week that is planned for NEXT WEEK! 

Today your child has in his/her backpack a full detailed outline of the upcoming events....if this paperwork has self destructed before making it home...please see attached files. 

Please send in any donations that you are able to contribute for Miss ________ class gift...this will be the BIG end of year gift a special way to say "Thank you" for the OUTTA this WORLD job she has done with our children! Send your donation in a gift card or monetary donation marked "Room Mom." I pull together our contributions and purchase her something special from ALL of us...or if you wish you may acknowledge her individually. I really just want her to know how special she is this week for all of her SUPER HERO teaching she has provided to our kiddos throughout the year! 

Please remember to send in your "SECRET AGENT" homework that your child received today by THURSDAY, APRIL 31 so I can process the data and plan for a surprise door decoration for her on Friday.

Please remember to send your child with a FLOWER on Monday to give to Miss _______ for a special Teacher Appreciation Week Blast OFF!!! 

Thank you for all of your support, REGULAR ROOM PARENT

Dear OVERZEALOUS ROOM PARENT,

Please see REGULAR ROOM PARENT for how to get people on board with plans, act as if everyone is equal, and in general have people like you.

Sincerely,

FRAZZLED TWIN PARENT