We’ve all done this, and most of us
continue to struggle with it at one time or another. Everyone compares
themselves to others in their lives and makes a judgement on where they think
they stand based on those comparisons.
You compare yourself to other women, other men, other parents, others in
your career path, others your age.
In the process, you not only disconnect
from your empathy and judge others- you also judge yourself. This can be hurtful to you and your
relationships- it’s hard to be kind to someone that you’re constantly competing
with.
Breaking this pattern can have huge benefits-
you build stronger relationships, you start making decisions based on your own
wants and needs instead of trying to beat others at their own game. You can work better with others to solve
problems, and you can build a network of support that will serve you well when
you need it. You can support others that need you.
Collaboration is better than competition
almost every time. But how do you stop
yourself from wanting to compete with others? Especially in marginalized
populations, it feels like there’s limited opportunities- how do you stop
fighting for those?
It’s definitely a tough paradigm
shift. It’s a world of finite
resources. How can you convince yourself
not to fight for the best bits?
First, remember in most cases, it’s not a
zero-sum game. You don’t have to “lose” in order for someone else to
“win”! Even if you don’t get the exact
opportunity you wanted for yourself or your child, that doesn’t mean another
one isn’t coming right along. You can
still support others while seeking better things for yourself. You can build up those in marginalized
populations, which in turn, can build you up! Supporting other marginalized
groups can help open up opportunities to others as well.
As it comes to parenting- so long as
parents are providing children with their needs and aren’t abusing them (and
no, formula feeding is not abusing a child), all the other choices are simply
that- choices. Everyone makes different
ones based on their unique history and circumstances, and they generally don’t
make any one parent better than another.
You can learn a lot by talking to parents about the choices they make,
when you’re not judging those choices. Instead of whispering to someone that your
neighbor has a 4 year old who isn’t potty trained, ask that neighbor how
they’re doing. You might learn
something, and build a great new friendship!
When you let down your guard and stop
holding your cards close to your chest, an amazing thing happens- you begin to
feel solidarity with your fellow women, men, parents, and others. Being vulnerable is tough, but it helps build
trust between friends, family, and coworkers. Suddenly, you’re not alone, and
you can draw on the experiences and empathy of a group as you move forward.
This is something I have to continually
work on- I totally fall into the habit sometimes.
Next time you catch yourself getting out
your judgey-pants and competition-face, stop yourself and think about it from
another perspective that helps you feel empathy toward the person. I’ll do the same. Maybe that co-worker was
trying to get that promotion for 4 years. Maybe the dad down the street is
pushing that 6 year old in a stroller because they both have a little trouble
walking. Maybe we can help and encourage
our contemporaries, and get help and encouragement in return!
...
When she’s not making play-doh spaceships with her two young sons, Jenny Hill, CPLP creates engaging, accessible, and effective learning experiences, so learners can reach their potential and do their most meaningful work. You can contact her on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferreneehill.
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