A press conference as called by Donald Trump's penis

America, America, excuse me. Excuse me.

I am huge, let me just tell you about it. Huge. And I love you. I love the people here. They’re beautiful, wonderful people. America has the best people. Especially women. I love women. Some men, too. I like men. And men love me, they really do. They love me. But women. Women are incredible. Incredible. At least three of them have loved me back, and you can check the record on that. But the rest are liars. Losing liars. I hate those women because they lie. They all want me. They’re jealous. Jealous loser women.

But that’s not why we’re here, not why we’re here. As your soon-to-be-president’s dick, I want to set the record straight on a few things. Excuse me. Excuse. Me. Penis is talking here.

I am incredibly successful. You look at my numbers. They reach billions. Billions. … Your graphic is wrong. I know I said three before. But it’s billions. Trust me. Billions. And, you know what, the Hispanics, Black people, Asians, even Muslims, they love me, too. We've made deals. Give and take. I’m a businesspenis, you know that. I know that. I’ve probably hired thousands and thousands and thousands of people. I’m creating jobs. And I don’t discriminate, no, I don’t discriminate. I love all people. They’re so beautiful. Incredible. And they want it. I give people what they want.

As for the issues, I hit the important things. The big things. I make the tallest, shiniest towers. Because I can make them. And I make them great. And they’re big. They’re really big. Like me. You know this already. I also have the most money. The most. Of anyone in the world, I have the most money. Look it up. Check my Twitter. People love that about me. It resonates. People can almost feel me when I talk about it. They like a successful guy. And I’m successful. Let me tell you. And I’m going to build the biggest, longest, best-looking wall you’ve ever seen. It will look just like me, watch. I guarantee you there will be no bigger wall in the world, just like there is no bigger penis in the world. I guarantee you this.

And internationally, I’m really big. Maybe even bigger than here. I’ve had five, ten, actually thousands of people tell me how big I am out there. I’m yuuuuge. You already know that. But leaders, they will listen to me because I know how to talk to them. Once I put myself on the table, maybe alongside the gun I bought and make the stupid small hands carry around, those people will be bending over backward to do what we say. They’ll be begging for it—this deal I’ll make with them. And I make the best deals. And it’s good for them in the long run, it is. But it’s better for us. I’ll always make sure it’s better for us. I get what I come for. And I come for what I get. Look at my record. Don’t believe these lying losers.

And my final point is, hey, listen. I disavow my hands, okay? I disavow them. I don’t have anything to do with them, and they don’t have anything to do with me, alright? I mean, we work together sometimes. But mostly at night, when I can’t sleep. I hardly ever sleep, you know. So, yeah, we work together every once in a while, but that’s it. And let’s get this straight right now, they work for me. I’m in charge of them, and I tell them what to do. And they love me for it. Just like the women do. Like all the people, really. People and hands just love me. And I love them. Incredible. But I disavow them. Tiny, small traitors. Lightweights. I’m the real deal. Huge. So successful. Even my daughter loves me. I mean, I think she does. She hasn’t said that, but I think she would. If she wasn’t my daughter. Point is, everyone loves me. Because I’m big. Tremendous.

You know you want it. You’ve been waiting for this, America. And I’m going to give it to you. I’m going to make you great again.