Learning to Live with Divorce - s post

We all know the statistics by now: close to 50% of marriages in America will end in divorce at some point. While this is a sobering statistic, it doesn’t mean divorce has to be some soul-crushing tragedy, only to be relieved by bottles of merlot and Sunday empowerment brunches. Plenty of people have been through divorce, and learned to continue with their lives afterwards.

It’s tough. It’s messy, but divorce can be the spark that pushes you to become happier, stronger, and more self-sufficient. A person who breaks off their relationship effectively, and proceeds to move on afterwards, has the best chance of succeeding in their new life.

Breaking Off

A divorce should be a clean slate. It should give you the opportunity to forge new paths and take your life in a different direction. However, that can be difficult to do if you haven’t properly broken off emotional and legal attachments. Severing ties is the first step in learning to live with divorce.

The legal decisions, and the consequences of them, can be the most explosive and painstaking part of a divorce. Deciding who gets what, how much, and for how long, can be messy. Mix in the painful, fresh emotions you’ll be experiencing, with money and children, and you have a volatile combination. The best thing you can do for yourself is hire a qualified divorce attorney. A divorce attorney can prepare an alimony arrangement, help decide property division, and also provide mediation and arbitration. In cases where child custody and support is being contested, having a divorce attorney is absolutely necessary.

Hiring a divorce attorney that can get the best results for you is paramount to your emotional well-being. You don’t want to feel short-changed by your ex-partner. You don’t want to let grievances linger on. As emotionally-charged as divorce proceedings can get, having a quality divorce attorney will make sure you are moving on from your divorce without any legal hang-ups.

In order to establish yourself after your divorce, you will also need to sever your emotional ties to your ex-partner. Unfortunately, not every divorce ends on amicable terms; not every divorce is wanted by both partners. Regardless, hanging on to a relationship that is over is not healthy behavior, whether it’s your spouse, friend, or family member.

Every person is different. Some people find it easy to break off relationships. They can simply remove a person from their thought processes through sheer will, and poof! They are gone. Others may need to erect effigies of their ex-partners; old piles of clothes, photographs, and cheesy mementos formed into a vaguely human mass, and burnt in some kind of pagan cleansing ritual. I am not here to say one way is better than the other, I am just saying you have to make an effort. Don’t get stuck. Do what you need to do to separate yourself from that relationship. It will never go away entirely, but at some point you should be able to look back on it with an objective distance.

Moving On

Moving on goes hand-in-hand with severing your emotional ties. The process of distancing yourself from your old way of being, of learning to enjoy yourself, and discovering new facets of life will help place your old relationship in context. 

This can also mean different things for different people. Asking questions of yourself in the aftermath of a divorce can shed light on who you are, who you want to be, and what you think will make you happy. In some respects, it is similar to leaving your home for the first time when you were a teenager, off to work or college. The important thing is to keep an open mind and trust in yourself.

Changing careers, picking up new hobbies, traveling, and making new friends can all be extremely rewarding for people who find more time on their hands after a divorce. Forging new romantic relationships and allowing yourself the freedom to explore new love, without guilt or restriction, can also be key to moving forward in life. You want to surround yourself with positive people and experiences as much as you can.

However, not everyone can live out their Eat, Pray, Love fantasies following a divorce. Divorcees with children more often than not have extra responsibilities they must fulfill. Taking care of your family as a single parent is one of the most challenging obstacles life can throw at you.

It is easy to push your emotions and needs aside and focus on being the best parent you can be for your children, but if you aren’t happy, chances are it is rubbing off on the people around you. Be present and appreciate the moments you have with your children. Spend extra time with cousins, parents or siblings. Work hard, but be grateful for what you still have. Do things you enjoy, like taking an evening walk or having a good cup of coffee, even if it’s only for a few minutes a day. Most importantly, remember that your happiness depends on you and you only.

Don’t let divorce dictate your life for you. Take advantage of the unique opportunities it gives, even if it only seems like a silver lining at first.