4 Tips for a Less Stressful Divorce - s post

For most of us a divorce either begins with the slow realization that you no longer wish to be with your spouse – or a divorce can be an unforeseen, devastating bombshell that blows your emotions to hell and back.

But whether you are the divorcer or the divorcee, eventually you are going to have to face some disturbing facts and emotions about the bond that you thought was going to last forever.  But shame should not be one of them.

There were over 876,000 divorces in this country last year.  That’s one divorce every 36 seconds, 2,400 divorces every single day.  If this was your first marriage, you are part of the 41% of couples whose marriages failed.  If it’s a second marriage, the failure rate is 60%.  And for third marriages, it’s a whopping 73%.  If it’s your fourth marriage – it’s off the charts.

So divorce is not uncommon and you should not dwell too deeply on the whys and wherefores of your marriage’s collapse.  The sooner that you eschew denial and come to terms with the fact that it’s over; the sooner you can start putting your life, and the lives of your children if you have them, back on track.

Here are some tips to be mindful of once the angst subsides and you decide to get down to business.

Tip #1: Decide What You Want

Put the anger and emotions aside and think: what do I want out of this mess?  What are the pieces of my previous relationship that are really important to me?  Of course there are the assets, your home, the bank accounts, the investment portfolios, etc.  But most state laws mandate that those things are going to end up being math issues, generally in the 50-percentile range.

However, there may be less obvious keepsakes that you feel strongly about, and the main thing will be: keep those thoughts to yourself and your lawyer.  If your spouse and his/her lawyer discover a weakness for some marriage memento, they could use it as a wedge to get something out of you that is way more valuable.

Tip #2: Hire the Right Lawyer

If your divorce is consensual, maybe you won’t even need an attorney to individually represent you.  You and your spouse may be able to get by with a mediator who will assist you in conforming to state guidelines for a simple, amicable divorce.

But if you perceive even the slightest complications from your spouse; hire a lawyer immediately.  And the best way to find the right lawyer is to get a recommendation from a friend or family member, someone you trust. 

If that’s not possible, you’re going to have to do some serious research, because this attorney is going to be your closest partner in probably the most contentious procedure you will ever experience in your entire life – over the course of a year, or more.  Make sure you get the right person for the task.

Tip #3: Dealing with Children

Child custody after divorce can be allocated in a variety of ways, many of which are mandated by state laws.  Here's how Randall Kessler, an experienced divorce attorney at the Family Law Attorneys of Kessler & Solomiany, describes custody choices, "There are two major types of custody: legal and physical. It is possible for one parent to have sole legal and joint physical custody or vice versa, or for one parent to have both sole legal and physical custody."

You are probably not going to get full legal and physical custody over your children unless your spouse is a certified, raging maniac.  So try to stay calm and work out a plan that’s not only best for the children, but also best for you and your spouse.  You may not be able to live together any longer but you will have to partner in the raising these kids.  Full cooperation between parents is the right recipe for child rearing, whether they live together or not.

Tip #4: Take Your Time

There are angry urges, especially with the divorcee, to get this relationship over and done with as quickly as possible.  You never want to see that rotten, probably-cheating, divorcee ever again.  But rushing through the details of a divorce is not advisable for a lot of reasons. 

One of the main ones is money.  If you cram this divorce through and it turns out that some stipulations are just not working out for you and your spouse, you are going to have to file an appeal to set aside your divorce judgment – and that can be very expensive.  That’s why you need to take a breath, relax and slowly work through every stipulation of your divorce until you get it just right.